Sunday, 22 December 2013

Gove at the Grotto

What do you want for Christmas, Minister?

I want to be liked, please, Santa.

Who doesn’t like you, Minister?

Quite a few people, I guess, but by-and-large it’s teachers.

Why aren’t you liked by teachers, Minister?

I don’t know Santa. I give them a curriculum just like the one I loved at my independent school that helped to make me who I am today and which I want to share with all our students to make them better human beings, so I don’t know why teachers dislike me - do you Santa?

What, like you? Not really....

.....No, I don’t mean that Santa, I mean do you know why teachers don’t like me?

Yes, Minister, it’s because you’re a knob.

A knob? What does that mean Santa?

It’s the sort of word teachers can use without fear of litigation to describe an errant child in the classroom, Minister: a colloquialism in many respects to characterise a miscreant or a dullard or a prat, but it’s more humorously pc, for example, than those last two words.

That doesn’t seem fair or accurate Santa.

I couldn’t agree more, Minister. I’d go for something epistemologically apt for you like imbecillus.

Ah, I understand now – the meaning of knob that is – but it seems jolly unkind to call me that, Santa.

Well, Michael – you don’t mind me calling you Michael do you Minister, that title being a misnomer for a knob – but I have overheard, in my travels and visiting teachers’ homes on Christmas Eve nights when the last person they should be thinking of is you, shouts of ‘Gove is a fuckwit’ and ‘Gove is an asswipe’, so perhaps you should consider yourself lucky if we actually stick with knob.

Well, when you put it like that Santa. I suppose it is an important semantic nuance.

I don’t think there is a linguistic gradation for being a twat.

Pardon Santa?

Nothing, Michael. Could you please piss off now as I have loads of other needy customers to see?

So you don’t think I’m going to be liked by teachers this year Santa?

Not a flying pigs-in-blankets chance. I deal in people’s dreams, Michael; I don’t perform miracles. You’ll need to speak with a different cultural construct for that.


  1. At this time of year, we should feel sorry for him and all the other supporters of 'Team Nigella'

  2. How on Earth did this creature end up with so much power? Was there an inverted crucifix in the sky the day he was born??